I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
