Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
