I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
