Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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