Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
