me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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