sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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