You just made me feel so damn special
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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