It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
How many fucks given?
0.12846
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
