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I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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