Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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