Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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