Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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