Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
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