I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
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he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
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You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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