4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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