Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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