im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
