I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I think your dad took our porno
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
