I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Come see our sink grown plant.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
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She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
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She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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