Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
She needs sedatives and a leash
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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