Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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