Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
