Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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