kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
