just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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