dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
