mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
