And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
