The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
