Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
