this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
she smelled like a LAN party
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
