Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
