so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
