So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
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