I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
