Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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