1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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