I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
