I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
