According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Randomize
