If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
