Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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