i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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