hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I wish they made helmets for livers.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Randomize
