oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Holy shit dude........stairs
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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