I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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