We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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