Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
