New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
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My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
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My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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