if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
