tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
