dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
