I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
