420 ftw
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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