Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
