I can text with my tongue
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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