i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
