i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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